I'm Ready For My Close-Up

                “Well Angie I have all the information I need here.  She should be in shortly.  Oh and you can keep your clothes on; she prefers to meet people for the first time dressed.”

                “Oh, that’s the way I aim for my new encounters to happen as well, it just doesn’t always work out as planned.”

                So this week I decided that to make myself feel better about lugging around this fancy new boot cast I’d go ahead and schedule a check up with the ol lady part doctor.  I figure that there are few things in life that cheer a lady (yes I just referred to myself as a ‘lady’) up more than to have a few strangers checking out her most prized possessions.  While waiting for the big moment I did what every normal person does and I proceeded to text my friends and family from the mauve themed lobby to keep them apprised of the upcoming events.

Val: “Are you all ready for the visit today?  Have everything all tidied up?”

Me: “Nope.  Instead of cleaning I just Febreezed.  The commercials lead me to believe that it’s the same thing.  Do you think they’ll notice?”

Val: “I like the classic scents like vanilla amber.  I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me.”

Me: “I used Dragonfruit, I think they’ll find me exotic.  Next time I’ll use cucumber melon, to really give them something to think about.”

Ok, I’ll admit it, of course I prepared everything for company.  I figure that way the doc will think, ‘Hmm, not a lot of visitors, but it’s good to know she’s still holding onto hope.’  I am a very positive person, so hope is kind of my thing.  Keeping with the optimistic theme here I have a couple of ideas I’d like to throw out there to maybe spice up the experience a little.  First off, might I suggest that all tests be performed in the same theme as feeding a small child, “Here comes the airplane headed for the hanger…” sort of a thing; in a singsong voice of course.  Second, I still have a large amount of leftover Halloween candy (I don’t like sweets.  Don’t judge.), so was thinking of maybe packing some of that away as a little surprise for the doctor.  Like, “Here’s a little something for visiting, please come again soon.”  Or even a fortune similar to that found in a cookie, “Good news from afar may bring you a welcome visitor.”  See?  Fortune vaginas.  Might be the next big thing.  You never know.   The last observation took place after I traded my pants for a sheet of paper and relaxed (‘relaxed’ is a stretch, but what else do you call it?  Waiting with bated breath?) back on the table.  On the ceiling above was a very adorable picture of a puppy and a kitten playing ball together.  Very cute.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m just as big a puppy pic fan as the next girl, and I felt the kitty nice had a bit of comedic value (probably because I’m super infantile on a good day), but maybe a nice picture from ‘Lumberjack Monthly’ might’ve been a better choice for upcoming experience.  I mean I understand real life human babies to gaze upon, after all it’s kind of an office where those sorts of things come from, but baby animals lean a little toward the side of creepy.  Which by the way, if anyone knows where I could get such a thing as ‘Lumberjack Monthly’ I’m all ears.  Seriously.  All.  Ears. 

Dr: “Now Angie, I didn’t see anything in your chart about birth control.  What method are you currently using”

Me: “The ‘jobbing’ method.  You know, hand jobbing and blow jobbing…..”

Ok, so this is what I should’ve said.  Instead I said, “The no sex method.”  Still got a halfsies laugh and both are very effective.  One is just a lot less work and mess than the other.  I’d say mine is more the lazy girl’s way.  Also notice that after seeing me with no pants we’re on a first name basis.  I think that’s pretty standard procedure.  I’m just happy I didn’t receive some sort of cutesy nickname out of the deal, like ‘Enchanted Forest’ or ‘No Man’s Land’ or ‘Union Station’.

Dr: “Because you’re over 30, if all your tests come back normal you don’t have to come back for 3 years.”

Me: “Wow!  Really?!  That’s great news!”

Dr: “Well unless you have any new partners.  Then you should come back.”

Me: “Oh…” 

*prolonged silence*

Me: “So what you’re saying is, we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other?.....”

*super awkward silence*  followed by *nervous laughter*

Dr: “Well, Angie it was nice to meet you.  If you just want to get dressed and take this paper up to the front desk they’ll get you all checked out.  Oh and if you don’t hear from us in two weeks you can just assume that everything checks out great.”

Me: “Thanks.  The pleasure was all mine.”

So after having my landscaping checked by a stranger, I felt like while I did pay thirty five dollars for the experience at least I found out another of the many benefits of being over 30, 3 years between visits.  I mean I’ll still have to have my boobs felt up in a nonsexual manner (correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is referred to as ‘1^st base’) once a year, but at least I’ll get to keep my slacks in place.  Which is nice.  I wonder if I should’ve bought her a drink though, or maybe I’ll just send her flowers….