“Well Angie I have all the
information I need here. She should be
in shortly. Oh and you can keep your
clothes on; she prefers to meet people for the first time dressed.”
“Oh, that’s the way I aim for my
new encounters to happen as well, it just doesn’t always work out as planned.”
So this week I decided that to
make myself feel better about lugging around this fancy new boot cast I’d go
ahead and schedule a check up with the ol lady part doctor. I figure that there are few things in life
that cheer a lady (yes I just referred to myself as a ‘lady’) up more than to
have a few strangers checking out her most prized possessions. While waiting for the big moment I did what
every normal person does and I proceeded to text my friends and family from the
mauve themed lobby to keep them apprised of the upcoming events.
Me: “Nope. Instead of cleaning I just Febreezed. The commercials lead me to believe that it’s
the same thing. Do you think they’ll
notice?”
Val: “I like the classic scents like
vanilla amber. I don’t want them to get
the wrong idea about me.”
Me: “I used Dragonfruit, I think they’ll
find me exotic. Next time I’ll use cucumber
melon, to really give them something
to think about.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, of course I prepared everything for company. I figure that way the doc will think, ‘Hmm,
not a lot of visitors, but it’s good to know she’s still holding onto hope.’ I am a very positive person, so hope is kind
of my thing. Keeping with the optimistic
theme here I have a couple of ideas I’d like to throw out there to maybe spice
up the experience a little. First off,
might I suggest that all tests be performed in the same theme as feeding a
small child, “Here comes the airplane headed for the hanger…” sort of a thing;
in a singsong voice of course. Second, I
still have a large amount of leftover Halloween candy (I don’t like
sweets. Don’t judge.), so was thinking
of maybe packing some of that away as a little surprise for the doctor. Like, “Here’s a little something for
visiting, please come again soon.” Or
even a fortune similar to that found in a cookie, “Good news from afar may
bring you a welcome visitor.” See? Fortune vaginas. Might be the next big thing. You never know. The
last observation took place after I traded my pants for a sheet of paper and
relaxed (‘relaxed’ is a stretch, but what else do you call it? Waiting with bated breath?) back on the
table. On the ceiling above was a very
adorable picture of a puppy and a kitten playing ball together. Very cute.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m just as big a puppy pic fan as the next
girl, and I felt the kitty nice had a bit of comedic value (probably because I’m
super infantile on a good day), but maybe a nice picture from ‘Lumberjack
Monthly’ might’ve been a better choice for upcoming experience. I mean I understand real life human babies to
gaze upon, after all it’s kind of an office where those sorts of things come
from, but baby animals lean a little toward the side of creepy. Which by the way, if anyone knows where I
could get such a thing as ‘Lumberjack Monthly’ I’m all ears. Seriously.
All. Ears.
Dr: “Now Angie, I didn’t see anything in your chart about birth
control. What method are you currently
using”
Me: “The ‘jobbing’ method. You
know, hand jobbing and blow jobbing…..”
Ok, so this is what I should’ve
said. Instead I said, “The no sex
method.” Still got a halfsies laugh and
both are very effective. One is just a
lot less work and mess than the other. I’d
say mine is more the lazy girl’s way.
Also notice that after seeing me with no pants we’re on a first name
basis. I think that’s pretty standard
procedure. I’m just happy I didn’t receive
some sort of cutesy nickname out of the deal, like ‘Enchanted Forest’ or ‘No
Man’s Land’ or ‘Union Station’.
Dr: “Because you’re over 30, if all your tests come back normal you don’t have to come back for 3 years.”
Me: “Wow! Really?! That’s great news!”
Dr: “Well unless you have any new partners. Then you should come back.”
Me: “Oh…”
*prolonged silence*
Me: “So what you’re saying is, we’re going to be seeing a lot of each
other?.....”
*super awkward silence* followed
by *nervous laughter*
Dr: “Well, Angie it was nice to meet you.
If you just want to get dressed and take this paper up to the front desk
they’ll get you all checked out. Oh and
if you don’t hear from us in two weeks you can just assume that everything
checks out great.”
Me: “Thanks. The pleasure was all
mine.”
So after having my landscaping checked by a stranger, I felt like while I
did pay thirty five dollars for the experience at least I found out another of
the many benefits of being over 30, 3 years between visits. I mean I’ll still have to have my boobs felt
up in a nonsexual manner (correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is referred
to as ‘1st base’) once a year, but at least I’ll get to keep my
slacks in place. Which is nice. I wonder if I should’ve bought her a drink
though, or maybe I’ll just send her flowers….
